Countdown to (Day) Zero

And as the water runs over my face and into my mouth, I realise that one day this will be coming from a desalination plant. Extracted from the ocean with a possible dose of residual kak. 

You’d be surprised at the speed of thought during a 90-minute shower.

***

Day Zero looms over Cape Town like a nuclear strike threat from North Korea.  And just like Kim Jung-un, Provincial Government warn that it’s imminent.

Water is becoming a scarce commodity. With only 50 litres of water per person a day, you’re left with a choice between hydration and hygiene, or drinking your bath water. A bottle of sparkling Valpre is the new bubbly. If you smaak a cider, the lemon flavoured Aquelle is lekker.

We are now down to two one-and-a-half -minute showers and the rest of the week you may take a ‘cowboy splush’ - you know; tits, pits and naughty bits. Household fights are now about who gets to kak first, laaste man trek die chain. Everyone’s bowel movements are now in sync, and hopefully not in sink.

So why has National Government done fokkol to assist the situation in Cape Town? The David Icke in me says that it’s because the DA is in charge.  And for a long time Zuma has been trying to get those sticky fingers on the Western Cape, hinting at witch craft and ghosts voting for the DA.

And trouble is brewing in the party. The alliances aren’t democratic behind the scenes ne. Airing their dirty laundry in the midst of a ‘disaster’ - as Helen is now so quick to call it. The same Helen Zille whose home allegedly exceeded the daily consumption limit by over 200 litres per person not too long ago and then claimed she has a natural spring running under her house.  Er.

What I can’t wrap my unwashed head around is the lack of urgency.  We have been receiving drought threats since 2016 – there was more than enough time to put contingency plans in place or execute the plans they supposedly had in place.

Ma nee, hulle vriet mos die land se geld op. Cape Town is in a critical but stable condition. And now we are just stably fucked.

But it’s too late to blame government. Too late to blame grown people in Parkwood for filling plastic pools for the whole Blackbird Avenue to come splash in. Too late to blame parents in Bonteheuwel for allowing their kids to still play with water guns and water balloons. Or the aunty around the corner who still uses her hose pipe.

The world might be set to end in June, but Armageddon comes for the Western Cape on April 12th.

And with people like the EFF around, we are definitely in for anarchy and chaos. This time they will be throwing shit around because you can’t flush it.

photo: EWN

Somewhere on the Cape Flats a taanie shouts to her teenage son:

“Hou op kak sing en maak kla, da isi water ini land nie,”

Oh, but there is. The rest of the country is flooded with thunder storms and heavy rain – because the ANC is in power.  And you didn’t even need to pay me R500 000 to tell you that.

On a serious note, we should be saving water regardless of a drought or an empty dam or government’s negligence.  There are plenty of tips around for you.  Helen Moffet has been saving, collecting, compiling so that we don’t have to:  1001 Water tips