A Free Trip Around South Africa in 30 Days

South Africa. Our breathtakingly beautiful country is predicted to contribute R424.5bn toward the economy this year. Just to be looked at in awe and amazement.

Last year 3.5 million tourists flocked from all over the world to see Table Mountain, Robben Island, the Kruger National Park, and Durban’s Golden Mile amongst other places. And this year that figure is forecasted to rise by 3%. It may not seem like much but if our Tourism sector steadily grows, the World Travel & Tourism Council claims that by 2028 travel and tourism will create 2.1 million jobs.

But the FeesMustFall protests have amounted to over R300-million in 2017 as a result of damage to property. I don’t know if there will be anything left to see in ten years time.

I had just pressed the publish button for Domestic Violence and then protests broke out in Parkwood. And as usual, things became violent. So I decided to have a look at what has been happening around the country over the past month. 

Ek sien fokkol beauty nie but it is breathtaking.

Cry, My Beloved Country.

Domestic Violence

Our constitution states that each individual has the right to adequate housing. Of course and naturally this is one of your essential rights as a human being. Now please note the word ‘adequate’ because slatting up a hokkie on an open piece of field next to a freeway is NOT adequate.

And when the ‘boere’ stieks uit and breaks it down, you want to break down the whole area. An area you wanted to come live in not too long ago. Like that possessive burk that cuts up your clothes because you broke up with him. If I can’t, nobody can.

That unhealthy sense of entitlement just makes my bors warm.

In the past few weeks, the country has experienced sporadic outbursts of protest action; some of which were too close for comfort. I could hear the gunshots and commotion at Strandfontein Road/Pelican Park  but the Mitchell’s Plain/Siqalo protest particularly had me by the ovaries.

And it has led me to come to a sad realisation: where there are shacks, there is chaos.

Personally, I don’t believe in protesting. I don’t feel that it yields the desired result. But this is a democracy en ons is supposed to saam staan and it too, like housing, is a right.

But why should one man’s stance trample another man’s rights? Or rather why should one man's right infringe on another's?

Why are we starting out with looting and vandalising? Why are we blocking roads in an attempt to make life miserable for all? Why are we breaking down what our fellow brothers and sisters have built up? Aren’t we all in this struggle together? Shouldn’t we all be marching to Parliament instead because our fight is with Government?

Government, who has promised but not delivered.

And how great that Siqalo ‘residents’ have been promised homes now. But what impression does this leave the rest of us? That the only way to get the Governments attention is to burn down the place?

Is South Africa just prone to violence? Did we honestly think that after the rule of Apartheid is no longer that the violence too would end? Isn't that violence what got us here in the first place?

Do we still engage in violent protesting because it might bring forth change?

And what has changed? Our patience and understanding towards each other? The lack of tolerance we have with one another?

For years our people have fought.

They are still fighting.

And now they have turned on each other.



[Here is a free Guide to Protesting Lawfully from Right2Know]

Taxi.Duh.Me

eHowzit

People in Cape Town all drive the same: KAK 

The traffic department should consider incorporating cell phones into the license test. Nowadays people drive clutch in, foot on the petrol and eyes on the screen. Los die Candy Crush en die Whatsapp status tot by die huis. You’re supposed to stop when the mannetjie is green – and for that, you need to look up. I've almost been knocked over thrice in the past two months. Ry lekker man.

Cape Town is the most congested city in the country – you can’t afford to drive kak – and this is only aggravated each time drones of mense flood to take a taxi because the trains are disrupted. (which is every other day.)You leave two hours before your call center shift in an attempt to avoid traffic only to add to it.


What do you get when you cross an outdated train with cable theft?

“The 16:45 train from Cape Town to Fish Hoek has been cancelled.” And a happy tikkop.


And that’s how I stopped using Metrofail in 2016. But that’s also when the kak started:
Because now I was stuck with ‘Driver of the Year’ en sy gaatjie. The ‘Liffmans’ of the public transport system; exploiting your desperation to get to work. 

The only form of pubic transport we have left since trains are becoming a rarity and the bus strike continues. You see all the loyal bus riders waiting for taxis each morning, dikbek, cause you know you and this twenty other people standing here are all going to sit in the same van.

Today your clip card gets you a seat on the back of an old chair or a piece of chip board covered in cloth – or

“… staan gou net hie, dai ma klim hie voor uit”


The epitome of uitgevriet. 

I don’t know what makes me more naar about taking a taxi; the amalgamation of feet, sweat and mosag, the yaart music or the fact that I won’t get anywhere in a timely fashion. Because more often than not, they make you late; Drive 2 meters, reverse 3 meters and stop for five minutes. Repeat.

Scott Hanselman

Now, I've had my fair share of rolling gaatjies and drivers alike. We've had disagreements about fares, I have tossed out a few kussies myself and we have argued about why my daughter has to sit on my lap AND pay because the traffic cop is behind us.


Recently,I started to indulge in the Golden Arrow experience. With no unnecessary stopping, reversing, laptops and sometimes air conditioning, the bus for us has become my preferred mode of transport from Wynberg to Cape Town.

F.Y.I - For those who don’t know: It’s a BUS, not Century City’s food court. Vat jou piesang skille en jou hoenne biene saam jou, Kanallah.

***

The word Taxidermy is derived from the Greek words 'Taxis' and 'derma'

Taxis mean ‘to move’, and derma means ‘skin’

And taxi gaartjies have a way of getting under my skin, by not moving. Especially when I am mounted on a laptop, looking life like but dead inside. Thinking, 'I knew I shouldn't have taken this taxi. Duh, me.'

Listeria Hysteria – why Russians aren't your only concern

#polonymustfall

Now there’s a hash tag set to piss people off.

We've been getting Listeriosis warnings for months now; overcook your food, wash it thoroughly with your 50 liters of water, even if it looks and tastes right doesn't mean you should eat it. 

This is the kak the media has been feeding us for 14 months while government tries to trace the source of listeria. Fourteen months. Listeriosis can kill you almost five times over in that time.

And then it happens; there is a big crash and the earth splits beneath the feet of South Africans. The great Polony, the staple food of our nation - has fallen.

 It’s cheap, convenient and kak versatile. We can have polony with anything; Just so on the bread, sometimes we add mayo. Once die SASSA in is sit jy lettuce and tomato en sliced cheese op – which can probably also kill you. Polony in the pan, polony in your mac and cheese, polony on your Gatsby, polony in your smoortjie, polony on your vetkoek. Lekker dikgevriet aan Shoprite se ou rolls met Russians op. And now you might have to wait up to 70 days before you find out if it’s going to kill you.

Vegetarians be like “Os het julle gewarn.”

“Hou jou bek, bokkie. Vriet jou blare”

White slime… that funky stuff on your polony once it has been in the fridge too long. People are acting surprised now, jy het dai kak gesien. Call it like you see it. Ground up chicken bone keeping your polony together – and cheaper.

“But this isn’t the confirmed cause of Listeriosis, it’s just a theory.”

So, it doesn’t matter that Peter Bambatha Matlare is making millions off feeding South Africans crap while he skimps on production costs and apparently safety and sanitary as well?  

But mass meat production has been questionable for years. Even more so after the 2013 horse-meat scandal. Now there is not only horse in your wors but Listeria in your polony. Not to mention the occasional bird flu season.

Your mince isn't supposed to contain any bone or cartilage and fat content shouldn't be more than 30%. But what have you been paying through your nose for? Vetterige horse hoof juice with some beef, maybe. Frikkadel will never taste the same again.

The definition of ‘food security’ has evolved along with technology. If you are still alive 71 days after consumption, you’re good to go.

The moral of the story: If your food is killing you, life just got shorter. 

PS - According to a UK study, eating 50g of processed meat a day can increase your risk of heart disease. So with or without Listeria present, polony is not your friend, it’s killing you.

PPS – White Slime was found to be the cause of the Mad Cow Disease outbreak in 1986.

ZEXIT - The Falling of a Nation?

Die hele land is in sy moer. Sorry dat ek nou soe meti deur bydi huis in val but if you haven’t noticed, South Africa is in more disarray than Bafana facing the World Cup champions. Everyone’s running around like headless chickens, trying to cover up their corruption, of iets, in some way. 

While Zuma is still making headlines - because he won’t leave-, Eskom is as always, looking for money; the ding with Mark Lifman is rukking (out of proportion), and Metrorail wasn’t going to get you to  Cape Town on time so the SONA was canceled.

 We are all anxiously anticipating the announcement that President Jacob Zuma is no longer…well, president. Even the rand grew stronger at the mention of Zuma stepping down– so even the currency wants him to resign.

But hy is kak taai and possibly kak bang.  Cause now there’s a better chance of him going to prison than Cape Town seeing real rain (the weekend doesn’t count). So in order to avoid this, like that tikkop laaitie who just turned 40 and still lives with his mother, SIT HY VAS! Making demands and asking for immunity from prosecution, lol. It’s mos not stealing if the whole country knows about it.

Meanwhile…

 ANC and SACP members are lamming outside the Union buildings, protesting until he leaves office. And as usual, feeling entitled and telling us not to go to work as if anyone can afford it. It’s just a matter of time before they start burning busses and looting stores.

“Do not go to work tomorrow … Whether you are a police [officer]‚ whether you are a nurse‚ whether you are a doctor‚ whether you are a security guard‚ whether you are a garden boy‚ whether you work at a border gate‚ do not go to work” – Hangwi Maumela

You and I both know you won’t get paid but will probably get a warning for staying out of work over kak. Gat wek toe. Half of us are unemployed already; don’t risk your job because you are in support of Zuma losing his.  

And don’t be so quick to wish the man away. Even though the respirator his presidency is hooked up to will soon be unplugged, I am sure he will get paid enough to afford another remote-controlled chicken coop. Here, you are lucky if you get to claim your UIF or get a tax return but this bra is due for a moerse package, off which he can live comfortably in prison.

Here’s a list of benefits Zuma is entitled to at the end of his reign.  (Extracted from Business Tech)

• Personal security for himself, wife and his immediate family. This will include physical security such as bodyguards as well as a motorcade based on an assessment of his security requirements. However the security details will be notably smaller than what he is currently afforded. 

• A home which the State contributes to fully or partially – based on Zuma’s security requirements. 

• Health insurance, including treatment at military hospitals, as well as the care and respect one would typically give to a former head of state. 

• A mandated salary (approved at R2.87 million in 2016) with any increases as stipulated in government gazettes. 

• An indirect line to government if the state decides to utilise his services for diplomatic functions such as peace, ceremonies, or as a representative of the state. The extent of these additional roles will be at the discretion of the incumbent president.

Have you wondered what’s going to happen once Zuma steps down or -more possibly- forcibly removed? Things were clearly going wrong since Mbeki’s days. That guy was the ‘George Bush’ of South Africa. Will the next head of state do better? Is this where the reign of corruption ends?

Cyril will possibly take over, but is he only wiping the sperm of South Africa’s legs so he can rape her next?

There Are Plenty of 'Fisch' In The Sea

I had something very different planned for today’s post but then Gregory Fisch’s jasgeid caught my attention. There’s one thing you can’t blame on government.

***

When the school started two weeks ago - while children all over the country still haven’t been placed - I was just grateful that now I didn’t have to worry about my daughter playing outside in the road because she was safe at school, right?

Er.

Now I won’t spew insults at the man - ek is n beskaafde mens.  But my blood boils when kak like this happens. As if not being able to wash properly isn’t enough, here is another thing to keep my insomniac ass up even later at night.

***

Last year 7 teachers in Kwazulu-Natal were accused of raping learners.  In a separate incident at another school 87 kids were sexually abused by a patroller.

After doing some more digging, I found at least 3 separate incidents in 2016 where teachers have been accused of sexually assaulting learners.

Wat de fok gan hie aan?

Now your laaitie is possibly not safe inside your house because they might get hit in the head by a stray bullet; they aren't safe outside because they could go missing and turn up dead or not at all; and now they also aren't safe at school either.

And people ask me why after almost ten years I haven’t had a ‘another one’

Because my paranoia and dread act as contraceptives.

I have only have questions regarding Mr. Fisch en die vingers-in gang;

How long has this been going on? Some reports claim that Fisch had resigned back in October and has already worked out his notice period by the time that the ‘scandal’ was revealed. Hy het gewiet die bom gan bars. But how could you not when you’ve been taking pictures and recording videos of your sex-capades with minors? According to the latest reports, the learner in one of the videos has left the school about three years ago...

Why is it only coming out now? I mean, people talk and rumours spread. You tell your bra that the paalie is a pervert and by tomorrow this time the whole school is whispering. This has been happening since before October. How does fuckery – excuse the pun – on such a large scale go unnoticed and unannounced? Was the whispering not loud enough? There is definitely something Fischy going on here.

What about the learners? Has no-one come forward because they were threatened, forced or coerced?  These pictures circulating social media bear no sense of innocence – but you need to stop sending that kak around, julle gan saam mung.

 Consensual or not, there is no justification or excuse for this mans behaviour. But we clearly need to look at a much bigger picture where our school-going children – and not only our daughters – are concerned. If they aren’t engaging in sexual activities with one another at school, they are being sexually assaulted by teachers, patrollers and principals.

Let us not be bystanders in society. Let us not endorse that fucked up sense of loyalty where you can’t or won’t tell your brother he is in the wrong.  

MAAK OEP JOU BEK

Tip off the police anonymously of iets. They are in any case lamming and vrieting KFC in the van whole day. Give them something to do other than raiding the merchant for Dagga they gonna smoke out later.

You may find my last question a bit irrelevant but did this man use a condom? STD’s are real – you can get Chlamydia just by sharing a freaking towel and show NO symptoms. This situation obviously carries more implications than just a ‘cock up’ by a school principal.

How many learners have kneeled in front of the paalie on a daily basis? Being called to the office for “sex education”?! How many of these sexual encounters with his staff members and learners included a rubber?

‘Is the door locked?’ one reportedly asked

‘It’s duster two of us,’ said Greg

In my opinion, Reiger Park should be shut the fuck down. The learners should be tested; Teachers involved should be fired; Gregory Fisch should’ve been locked up by now and parents need to take action against the school.  

And where are Julias and his comrades? Why aren’t they protesting over this kak?

Countdown to (Day) Zero

And as the water runs over my face and into my mouth, I realise that one day this will be coming from a desalination plant. Extracted from the ocean with a possible dose of residual kak. 

You’d be surprised at the speed of thought during a 90-minute shower.

***

Day Zero looms over Cape Town like a nuclear strike threat from North Korea.  And just like Kim Jung-un, Provincial Government warn that it’s imminent.

Water is becoming a scarce commodity. With only 50 litres of water per person a day, you’re left with a choice between hydration and hygiene, or drinking your bath water. A bottle of sparkling Valpre is the new bubbly. If you smaak a cider, the lemon flavoured Aquelle is lekker.

We are now down to two one-and-a-half -minute showers and the rest of the week you may take a ‘cowboy splush’ - you know; tits, pits and naughty bits. Household fights are now about who gets to kak first, laaste man trek die chain. Everyone’s bowel movements are now in sync, and hopefully not in sink.

So why has National Government done fokkol to assist the situation in Cape Town? The David Icke in me says that it’s because the DA is in charge.  And for a long time Zuma has been trying to get those sticky fingers on the Western Cape, hinting at witch craft and ghosts voting for the DA.

And trouble is brewing in the party. The alliances aren’t democratic behind the scenes ne. Airing their dirty laundry in the midst of a ‘disaster’ - as Helen is now so quick to call it. The same Helen Zille whose home allegedly exceeded the daily consumption limit by over 200 litres per person not too long ago and then claimed she has a natural spring running under her house.  Er.

What I can’t wrap my unwashed head around is the lack of urgency.  We have been receiving drought threats since 2016 – there was more than enough time to put contingency plans in place or execute the plans they supposedly had in place.

Ma nee, hulle vriet mos die land se geld op. Cape Town is in a critical but stable condition. And now we are just stably fucked.

But it’s too late to blame government. Too late to blame grown people in Parkwood for filling plastic pools for the whole Blackbird Avenue to come splash in. Too late to blame parents in Bonteheuwel for allowing their kids to still play with water guns and water balloons. Or the aunty around the corner who still uses her hose pipe.

The world might be set to end in June, but Armageddon comes for the Western Cape on April 12th.

And with people like the EFF around, we are definitely in for anarchy and chaos. This time they will be throwing shit around because you can’t flush it.

photo: EWN

Somewhere on the Cape Flats a taanie shouts to her teenage son:

“Hou op kak sing en maak kla, da isi water ini land nie,”

Oh, but there is. The rest of the country is flooded with thunder storms and heavy rain – because the ANC is in power.  And you didn’t even need to pay me R500 000 to tell you that.

On a serious note, we should be saving water regardless of a drought or an empty dam or government’s negligence.  There are plenty of tips around for you.  Helen Moffet has been saving, collecting, compiling so that we don’t have to:  1001 Water tips